It’s amazing how many people just blog to blog stuff that’s on their mind. I don’t know if this is exactly that or not but it’s something I need to do.
I’ve been with the same girl friend for going on 5 years. I realized about 4 years ago that I really didn’t feel for her the same way she feels about me. It’s strange because I’m still here but here’s what I know. My girlfriend has Bipolar, which means its one extreme to the other. I’ve told her how I’ve felt on numerous occasions over the years but she refuses to take my feelings to heart. In a nut shell, so long as I give in to her whims, thoughts, needs and wants, life is good. …Only except the part of romance. We have no romance in our relationship nor have we had it for a while. Maybe two years? The hook is, I really don’t want to be romantic with her. I have no desire, spark or interest.
What keeps me with her? Well to date, I have a roof over my head, my dog stay fed and happy, and that’s about it. I survive only to survive. I have no dreams or aspirations any more, only because so long as I am with her, I am unable to fulfill those aspirations. Saving money is out of the question because every time, and I mean EVERY time we go out, I am pressured to buy something for her. Each and every single time. I do have a car though, I’m paying more than 9000 in finance charges for it but I really don’t have any option as she is the one that is in control.
I care about her, I really do. She is a good person at heart and means well, only she doesn’t want to hear ANYTHING negative from me, whether I need to vent about the days stresses or by telling her how I actually feel. She hasn’t asked me how I feel in at the very least 6 months.
I eat, I sleep, I survive for the sheer lack of not having the ability to “sack up” and leave her. The kind of person I am, is the kind of person that gets upset almost to tears when I accidentally run over a squirrel. Seeing my girl in pain upsets me as well, more so of an empathetic feeling than a genuine I want her to be happy because I want to be around her when she’s happy.
I met another girl around the time I met my current girl 5 years ago that I feel like I missed out on. I am chalking it up to “the grass is always greener … “ syndrome, only because I truly know I could have been much happier with her. Much happier. I am detached from my personal feelings now and don’t know what to do. Just survive?