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A chapter from my book Mental Gynmastics

  1. Chapter 7

    France was nice. We experienced a fine time. We had wine and cheese. We became cultured. We lived like French citizens. Only this trip was peculiarly different.

    As we passed by various objects and sights we noticed some sailors approaching us from afar. As our vessel moved closer to the sailors we noticed that they were a little peculiar.

    They had a fast ship with stripes going down the length of the hull. It had an orange base coat with chocolate icing around the brim and candy gumdrops popping out of the port and starboard sides.

    As our eyesight became clearer we noticed that there were a number of sailors on deck. They were looking at us and checking us out as if we were unfamiliar to them.

    As we began to lock eye contact with the odd sailors we noticed the sun heavily bouncing off their skin. The sun was blinding and it was reflecting light in every direction.

    We shouted hello to the odd, but friendly looking sailors, and they waved back at us in a coordinated succession of friendly waves. As their fingers went up in the air we noticed that they were slightly melting. The fingers and body parts were dripping down their uniforms and falling towards the deck.

    We looked closer at the sailors and realized that they were melting because they were not human. They were assorted cookies that were melting in the mid day French sun.

    Maya and I wiped our eyes in order to check for proper sanity and sailed within meters of their boat. It appeared that they needed some sort of help and we lunged our rope towards their boat in order to get their story and learn a little more about the alien creatures.

    There were six cookie sailors on board. Each was peculiarly different than the other.

    There was a Gingerbread sailor.
    A Cinnamon Twist sailor
    A Chocolate Chip sailor
    A Rainbow Cookie sailor
    A Girl Scout Mint Chocolate Chip sailor
    And one giant Christmas cookie

    Maya and I climbed across onto their odd vessel and were greeted cordially by the strange cookie sailors.

    Christmas Cookie: “Hello there!”

    Grayson: “Hi, how are you cookies doing? You seem to be in a little bit of a pickle?
    “A pickle?”, responded the chocolate chip sailor.

    “He means that we are in a difficult situation. I imagine he is saying that because we are melting and falling apart in front of him.”

    The Christmas cookie finished talking and I was amazed at his tact and his ability to educate the inferior chocolate chip sailor.

    Chocolate Chip: “Oh, ok, I get it. Yeah, we are in a little bit of a pickle.”

    The chocolate chip sailor smiled as he said this. He seemed to be proud of his recent knowledge.

    The Christmas cookie continued to tell us that they needed our help.

    Grayson: “Why do you need our help? We don’t really know what to offer you. We aren’t cookies and have never dealt with anything like you. No offense.”

    “None taken.” The Girl Scout cookie responded.

    I looked to my left and noticed the gingerbread cookie sailor looking at me with delicious red-hot eyes.

    I reached out to grab one of the eyes off of the gingerbread sailor and it violently spun around causing its torso to crack in half.
    I was mortified by my action and tried to explain to the sailors that I had never acted in such a fashion and I didn’t know what came over me.

    As I finished flicking the last words off of my tongue I realized that the cookies were looking at me with menacing and vicious grins. I looked to my left and to my right and realized that every single sailor had their eyes locked on me and they grew in size as their shadows crept over my forehead.

    I got on my knees and tried to tell the cookies that I was sorry. I looked at Maya and she was looking lovely. She was so beautiful and sensual. She had the perfect skin and the perfect hair. She had the perfect body and the perfect face. Seeing her lifted up my spirits and I thought that my fate wasn’t going to be that bad.

    I looked back up at the sailors and felt a swift brush of air from all angles. They jumped over me and tackled the gingerbread sailor. They began to devour it and were breaking it apart from all directions.

    It screamed in pain as each sailor ripped the largest piece off its broken and tattered body. I looked back at Maya and ran towards her chest. I grabbed her fragile frame and squeezed her while backing away from the sailors towards the stern of the boat.
    We looked back at the cookie sailors as they cocked their heads sideways. They shrank back to their “normal sizes” and the gingerbread cookie’s left leg fell out of the Christmas cookie’s mouth.

    Maya and I were extremely scared to see the cookies approach us and we held each other tightly and prepared for a very strange and possibly deadly encounter.

    As the cookies approached our shaking bodies they suddenly got behind one another to form a delicious conga line.

    We started to laugh as the cookies danced in unison and sang songs about margaritas and Hawaiian shirts.

    Maya and I began to dance on the deck and took pictures of the funny creatures. They posed for us and danced with rain boots and stuffed animals. The Girl Scout cookie lifted a giant panda in the air and smiled at us with a very formal grin.

    Maya and I eventually stopped dancing and asked them what they needed help with.

    Christmas cookie: “We were not always cookies. We used to be normal- just like you two.”

    Grayson: “Humans?”

    Christmas cookie: “Exactly. It pains me to think about our new fate.”

    Grayson: “Fate? How has your fate changed? I don’t understand how you used to be human and now you are cookies. This is all very strange to me.”

    Maya looked at me and smiled like a beautiful vixen. She blew me a kiss and winked at me with her one of kind glowing eyes.

    Christmas cookie: “A curse has been set upon us and only a golden hen can undo the curse and return us to our human and normal lives.”

    Grayson: “I am very sorry to hear about this experience. How did this happen to you?”

    Christmas cookie: “Well it is a long story and I’m afraid that you might not be able to understand.”

    Maya and I were not very eager to stay with the cookies, nor help them, so we backed away from the sailors and re boarded our boat.

    As we began to unhook our rope to set to depart the cookies looked back at us. Each cookie had an increasingly depressed slinky frown.

    I looked at Maya to see what she was feeling. She just smiled at me and hugged me as hard as she could. I whispered into her ear that we couldn’t leave the cookies in such dire circumstances. The least we could do is listen to the Christmas cookie’s story and see if we could make sense of it.

    Maya nodded her head in agreement and looked back at me with the most innocent and lovely smile you could ever imagine. Her eyes twinkled and I could hear her heart palpitate in the refreshing French breeze.

    Grayson: “So cookies. What’s the deal? I feel bad for you all and I will try and help you if I can.”

    Christmas cookie: “Thank you very much for reconsidering your departure.”

    Grayson: “I don’t usually do things like this but what can I say, you are a captivating crew.”

    The cookies looked at each other for a number of seconds and exchanged eyeballs. The Christmas cookie’s eyeballs wandered between the entire crew while constantly maintaining eye contact with me.

    After all of the eyes had sufficiently transferred back to their rightful owners they looked at me and began to speak one by one:

    Girl Scout Cookie: “We”

    Christmas Cookie: “Went”

    Cinnamon Twist Cookie: “To”

    Chocolate Chip Cookie: “A”

    Rainbow Cookie: “Rave”

    Girl Scout Cookie: “And”

    Christmas Cookie: “Drank”

    Cinnamon Twist Cookie: “Blood”

    Chocolate Chip Cookie: “That”

    Rainbow Cookie: “We”

    Girl Scout Cookie: “Found”

    Christmas Cookie: “In”

    Cinnamon Twist Cookie: “A”

    Chocolate Chip Cookie: “Sink”

    Rainbow Cookie: “And”

    Grayson: “Is it possible for one of you to tell me the story, or if maybe each of you can say more than one word?

    They suddenly stopped talking and uniformly said that only I could figure out the rest of the story.

    I put on my thinking cap and it was cold and gross. It distracted me from analyzing their hidden curse. I asked Maya for help and she said that the cookies were probably crazy. After all, they were talking cookies that just devoured 16% of their crew.

    I agreed with Maya but I was very intrigued by the diabolical sweets.

    Grayson: “Please continue the story. I have committed all this time and effort into this journey and I would at least like to leave with some sort of closure.”

    Christmas cookie: “Very well, but before you connect the dots you must play hangman.”

    I agreed to play their game and the Christmas cookie went first.

    Christmas Cookie: “Ok here we go…who has the purple crayon?”

    The Cinnamon Twist sailor hoisted up their massive licorice sail causing millions of tiny crayons to fall from the mast. The Christmas Cookie caught the only purple one out of the whole bunch.

    Christmas Cookie: “There we are!”

    I watched him draw the classic-style hangman platform on an invisible tablet computer. The screen burst to life with five spaces below the hangman’s death post.

    Cinnamon Twist went first for getting the Christmas cookie the crayon. He (I think it was male) understood that the most popular letters were RSTLNE. I found this peculiar because that is the information taken from Pat Sajack and Vanna White on Wheel of Fortune. This observation lead me to believe that the cookies might have been human after all.

    The Cinnamon Twist Sailor opened its mouth and a faint noise came out. It was not a letter. It was not a word. It was a long-winded sound and it made ripples in the calm sea.

    Christmas Cookie drew the entire hangman body and said that the game was over.

    I looked at Maya and her eyebrows tickled her forehead. It was cute to see her in such a strange setting. She looked lovely as ever. I think it was impossible for her to look anything but stunning.

    As I continued to gaze into her soulful eyes she motioned for me to come near her. I quickly dashed towards her beautiful frame and she whispered into my ear. It was the exact same sound that the Cinnamon Twist cookie said yet in reverse.

    After Maya finished speaking the sea became very turbulent and a giant wave hit the pirate cookies’ orange-coated boat. Maya and I were shaken apart and the Girl Scout cookie went flying into the water.

    As she approached the cold sea she threw her button-covered beret towards the cookie’s vessel. It was a sad sight to see as the wind rejected her attempts like Shaquille O’Neil preventing a small pre-pubescent boy from giving him an “H” in a neighborhood game of “Horse”.

    I watched the cookie sailors morosely bow their heads in response to the loss of Girl Scout Cookie. Maya and I tried to depart their boat but the storm had caused our boat to drift over one hundred yards away from the cookies’ vessel.

    We had no choice but to hold each other tightly and hope that Zeus and Poseidon would get over tempers and return the world to its proper place without cookie sailors.

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