I am a dynamic creature of the east, often seen scaling walls and fighting crime.
I have been known to remodel space shuttles on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.
I translate ethnic slurs for Haitian refugees, I write award-winning operas, and I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally I’ve been known to swim out to the Bermuda Triangle and tread water for three days in a row before swimming back home.
At the age of 4, I could cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in 20 minutes.
I am an expert in time travel, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
I play bluegrass fiddle, I was scouted by the Yankees, and I am the subject of numerous documentaries.
When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my backyard.
I enjoy urban hang gliding.
On Wednesdays, after work, I relax with a glass of wine in my lab as I document my many breakthroughs in the field of aeronautical engineering.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless investor.
Aliens often wonder if I exist.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.
I never perspire.
I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.
I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes every single time I have called in.
Last summer, I toured Europe with a traveling circus that makes Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey look like a small town fair.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.
I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket.
I sleep on my back on the floor with a piece of string tied to my big toe and the other end attached to the door knob…something I learned in assassin training.
The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I guide U.S. Navy aircraft carriers into port with a 14-foot canoe and one oar.
I have sailed the seven seas, stormed the beaches of Normandy, and surfed a forty-foot white squall.
Every Sunday night at midnight, I send a telepathic electronic beacon to Big Ben to synchronize the world’s clocks with the internal chronometer in my brain.
At the National Science Fair, I re-created the rings of Saturn with a box of Rice Chex, Tabasco sauce, and some extra virgin olive oil.
I can burp the Star-Spangled Banner in it’s entirety.
I taught Spock the Vulcan Death Grip and I can shoot the tail feather off a hummingbird with .22 caliber pistol from a distance of 2.4 miles away.
I can slam dance, tap dance and break dance while simultaneously whistling Dixie and Beethoven’s 5th symphony.
Last night I made a gourmet meal fit for kings out of a can of beets, some pepper spray, and a fresh road-killed platypus.
After an avalanche in the Himalayas, I saved a Tibetan High Priest from certain death by performing a brain transplant using a frozen spoon.
The blog I need help with is brianraymond.wordpress.com.
